Is This Someone Else’s
Despair?
Does meditation on the bus “count?”
First, what does “count” mean? Count means
numbers, which are, of course, facts. Means addition, subtraction, means
substance, and means matters more for being hard. Count means walking and
talking at the same time, a way of being a dance. Count also means you get
credit so in the end it all adds up to something you have supposedly
accomplished. Good for you. Hang this on the wall.
What does it mean to “watch” your language?
As the bus driver said to the teens, after the old
man exiting complained:
But language is not visible. If we watch our
language, what is it we see? Our breath? The words themselves written in black
ink on our skin, criss-crossing the creases within? Our “meaning” which is a
picture illustrating what “counts” (see above)? My language watches me through
the window until we pull forward again, the lights having turned green.
What is your diagnosis?
This one is easy. It is exactly everything you
have described.
Which is louder?
Your mood, your mood is always louder. Except when
my mood is louder. Someone says “references” and that gives me something to
enclose. My mood today was subverted by my hunger and my having not opened the
failing application until at least mid-day. So a good half of the day was not
wasted. When I looked again your mood had gone away. My mood was curled up like
a cat in the windowsill. The running water was all I could really hear.
What do you make up outside of your head?
This is where reality is made. Reality is also
made up inside your head, because the outside is not so different from the
inside, in this case. Inside is smaller. Outside has more rain. The head itself
doesn’t really care but goes on making this up. See?
